Staring curiously into the mirror in my friend’s cheerfully teal half-bathroom, I don’t really know what I should be doing next. I have no idea how long I’ve been standing here, next to the ivory porcelain seat that compelled me to come in here in the first place - or why the reflection in the mirror looks so foreign to me.
The figure seems altogether pitiful, like someone I would seriously consider giving a $20 bill to on the streets. Its eyelids are asymmetrically swollen and dense. The sockets surrounded by dark circles and dry crusted tears seem to be barely holding on to the two balls of concentrated black flame threatening to seep out and consume the rest of the body, like some kind of metaphysical self-immolation.
Yet, it is smiling - not the forced, half-assed smile we give on a day-to-day basis just to get by, but a genuine glow full of tenderness and serendipity. It seems… at peace, with the world and with itself. Is this… me? …It can’t be… I mean, where are the anger, the resentment, and the weariness I’ve grown so accustomed to seeing on my face?
It is 4AM as I make my way back to my little corner of the living room. I’ve been at this battle with myself for about 3 hours now - the halfway point according to my research. The $8 black silk sleep mask I bought at Walmart a few days earlier is now soaking wet and unpleasant to the touch. What other grand revelations can there possibly left to be had about our universe? How many overwhelming emotions can one person experience in one sitting without a total and complete mental breakdown? I put the mask back on.
The tears haven’t stopped coming since I first felt a profound presence a few hours earlier. An indescribable beauty that is beyond the capability of any human language - a beauty not in gender or form, but simply being. All-encompassing and infinite, I came to know the entity as the Universe. As it began to share its muse and wisdom, my shocked confusion morphed into utter reverence and gratitude. A vision of an unknown galaxy was transplanted into me, and from that single image, the Universe exploded into countless worlds and creations - all expanding right in front of my eyes.
Can a self-appointed rational agnostic fully understand and embrace the often undefined and impractical term “spirituality” with shattering clarity? Apparently yes, but only if you abandon society’s version of the word - and so much so that I was bitterly grieving for all of the time I lost when I could’ve been a more well-rounded human being. I took off the mask to confirm I was still physically laying on my friend’s IKEA couch as the cosmo continued to multiply in all directions in my mind.
Lucas* was about 6 inches from my face, staring at me with an inquisitive intensity. He has chosen to remain at my side like a dutiful elderly caretaker and forgo the comfort of his memory foam bed - a bed he adores that was the perfect size for him last Christmas, but is now just a tiny bit too small for his 60-lbs frame. A pure boxer both in body and spirit, made in America of muscles, slobber, and love - even his comical underbite seemed divinely perfect at that moment.
As I returned his gaze, the entirety of the Universe suddenly condensed, from infinity back to a single image in an instant - and, as if being sucked in by an indomitable force, delivered itself inside Lucas’s brown and white body. In his gentle eyes, I could see vast stars and galaxies, all swirling and dancing in their brilliance. Thus came the epiphany that the Universe was in everything and everyone. All living beings are connected, and I am connected to every living being. We all belong to the same Universe, so I will never truly be alone in this life or the next.
The collective work of Brahms and Bach are blasting through the AirPods, each octave and instrument bearing gifts of raw, undiscovered emotions - not all of them sympathetic to my now bruised and frenzied ego, who has been waging a war to keep me out under the authority of self-preservation. How long has it been since I put the mask back on? Time functions very differently in the masked world… As I break through another layer, I can see I am very close to the center of my being. The goal of meeting myself, my true self, for the first time, is now within reach
What kind of man am I, really? How much do I really know about myself, my aspirations and my traumas? If I can just blast through these layers of walls my ego has put up over the last few decades, I can finally see for myself. An unfamiliar figure suddenly comes into view and looms over me. Other than a general resemblance to an adult human, there is no shape or feature to speak of. I can sense this… creature, standing in my friend’s living room and shrouded in darkness, is full of animosity and ill-intentions.
“Who are you?”
No effort is made to respond.
The most primal of fear begins to tighten its grip on me. Fight-or-flight response is kicking in. I feel the urge to grab the closest floor lamp that has been the sole source of my light all night. Will I be able to get to the front door in time? What about my friends and their 7-year-old upstairs? I try to remain as still as possible in the hopes that it will just go away, but the unsolicited vulnerability is making me tremble like a child throwing a tantrum.
True freedom begins when you give up all pretense of control. Since I was never going to voluntarily give up command of my misguided perception that I have to make most things in life go my way, a drastic measure was needed - in this case, meeting the concept of death. It really was the only way now that I think about it. Life and all of its intricacies were never meant to be understood and managed - any half-witted attempt to control the chaos that is the human experience is the perennial way to end up with constant disappointment and grief. I needed to let it all go.
How refreshing and humbling it is to accept absolute powerlessness. The fear evaporated and is now replaced with supreme tranquility. “Kill me if you have to, but teach me something about myself.” The unfriendly body disappeared without a sound, and with that, the final wall began to crumble. I scream repeatedly at my ego to LET GO.
Floating behind the wall, at the center of it all, is another me, the real me - whom I am meeting for the very first time.
My first psychedelic session is, unequivocally, the most profound and significant experience of my life, it has and will continue to guide my priorities and define my values for the rest of my days. I have since feverishly devoured any studies and literature I can find, attended classes and seminars, experimented with various dosages, methods, and personality types, all in the pursuit of the potential of this altered state of consciousness. My hope is to pique your curiosity enough that you take a little time out of your busy schedule to ponder what it means, for you, to be a well-rounded human being, without the burden of our specie’s collective past, present and future, and without the filter of your own ego, from a cosmic perspective.
Welcome to the Ego Lab.
*the name has been changed to protect the identity of the dog
